Happy 50th Post!
Holy Mother of God it's my 50th post on this God forsaken fuckspot! WOOHOO!
So let me share with you a little story I wrote as a treat:
A long time ago in a far away galaxy lived this princess named Beatrice Hornbill. She was a very secluded girl yet once in awhile enjoyed partying it up like a whore. But Beatrice had a wicked witch living in her castle and the witch constantly tried to ruin Beatrice's mood. The witches name was Vermanius Parrotia.
As much as a vermin she was, Beatrice did not want to create any beef with the witch as she was a princess and as we all know, witches curse princesses.
So Beatrice decided that she would need to flee so she would never have to deal with this witch again. But alas, she would miss everything of her castle! Her family and her friends and her beloved beautiful tower.
"This castle is my home! But this witch causes me pain and agony. Her constant sputter of unneeded words drives me to the brim of insanity! Oh dear, dear me, whatever should I do? I am torn!"
Suddenly, sparkles started appearing out of nowhere. And POOF! A woman with long black hair wearing a beautiful silky blue nighty appeared holding what looked like a Harry Potter type of wand.
"Who the...? Who are you?" said princess Beatrice.
"Who AM I? Who are you? You have said the magic words that summon me here! Who are you?" said the beautiful creature.
"Well, my name is princess Beatrice of Hornbill. I didn't realized I summoned you. I apologize but I...I had no idea the words I said would magically summon you." she explained.
"How can you not know this? Haven't your parents ever told you that you HAVE ME TO SUMMON? Fool of a took! I have served your family for generations! Surely you know I am the one they summon when they are in distress!" she roared.
Beatrice replied in an annoyed and angry tone "Please don't roar at me for I am not deaf but in distress and YES THEY HAVE NOT TOLD ME ABOUT YOU! So don't be angry at me!" She takes a deep breathe and smiles sweetly and says "Now tell me, who are you?".
The beautiful creature was shocked with the princess and her outburst so she said "Forgive me your highness, I was summoned by you at the wrong time. You see, I was asleep and having a very awesome dream of meeting the man of my dreams, David Bowie when you awoke me so abruptly. I almost got to see his ding-dong but alas! Sigh. So you see, that explains the roaring manner. But forgive me! I have not yet introduced myself! Although I am terribly disappointed in your parents for not informing you about me. But I suppose they had forgotten and were going to tell you when you were in great distress...."
Beatrice, bored of this chatter, gives a loud cough.
Realizing that she has gone off topic and failed to introduce herself again the fairy says "Oh! Forgive me again your highness! Teehee. My name is Tink Arebell, your family fairy godmother at your service my lady!".
The princess giggled and said "A family fairy eh? Who would have thought Papa was so superstitious to hire a fairy for us when we're in distress! I guess it is tough being king and all event though I never really needed a fairy until....well untill now. Could you help me you think errr, Ms. Arebell?"
"Oh your highness, you may call me Tink. And no, I am in no way whatsoever related to Tinkerbell that little pixie of a brat! She thinks she's so hot with her blonde hair and short skirt! Puh-leeezzeeee!" said the fairy and gives a looks of disgust. "But yes, I might be able to help you. But you need to explain to me the problem first! Now, what is the problem your highness? Boyfriend troubles? He can't get it up? Is that it?" the fairy asks.
"Oh my goodness! No! Nothing of that! At least, that has not happened YET. Thank goodness! But you see, there is this witch that lives below my tower, and she constantly tries to bring distress to me by entering my tower and yapping to me all day about pointless things that are of my concern! What is worst is that I am afraid to be mad at her for I am afraid she would curse me! I mean, we all know how witches are bitches who like to fuck a princesses life right? Erm, pardon my French there Tink but seriously, I am IN DISTRESS! I don't want to leave my castle just for this witch and nor do I want her to leave because she may take revenge on me and curse me! Is there any way you could help me?" Beatrice says looking almost in tears.
"Well, my lady, it's simple! All we need is a man!" Tink exclaims.
"A man? TINK! Be realistic! What could he do?" Beatrice bewilderedly asks.
"Well your highness, get the witch to fall in love with a man and she will not bother you again! I'm telling you! Witches are horny bitches! They will hump the man like a rabbit would hump every other rabbit in sight!" Tink explains.
"Ah! That is genius! But what man would want this witch?" Beatrice asks.
"Well, I know just the candidate. He who doesn't like Mud Bloods, he who wishes he was a Pureblood, he who is actually really hot! He....!"
Princess Beatrice starts coughing loudly again.
"Eheh, forgive me your highness. His name is! He who must not be named. He is......"
"VOLDERMORT!" shouts Beatrice in glee.
"Shhhh! Your highness! Do not utter his name! It is a name the magical world fears!" said Tink.
"But surely he isn't that bad. I am sure he just needs to get laid and pop a doobie or two and he would forget all that hatred he had for the world instantly!" said Beatrice casually.
"Haha! Your highness, you tickle me. But perhaps you are right. I believe tis witch may be rid part of his evilness. It would be like killing two birds with one stone. The witch will not bother you no more and you-know-who would bother less people as well. Perhaps it would also help our young Harry Potter finally kick you-know-who's ass! We could set you-know-who up while he is in bed with the witch and get him at his weakest moments! ORGASMING! Ah! What a plan! What a conspiracy! For after that the witch would be angry at Harry Potter and finally move away to plan her revenge against him! Ha! Tink you genius!"
Princess Beatrice looks at Tink Arebell in disbelief and says "You really think all this would happen? That first of all, Voldermort would fall in love with Vermanius Parrotia? And that Harry Potter would agree to kick Voldermort's ass while he's in bed with his lover at the moment of his climax? Surely Harry Potter isn't an asshole."
"Contrary to popular belief, Harry Potter IS an asshole your highness. But he is cunning and knows how to hide it. He has played the I-am-innocent-and-my-parents-died-in-a-terrible-death card far too long your majesty. He is just waiting for the moment to pounce you-know-who and be the one in power. He secretly likes being in power." Tink exclaims.
"My my, now I know why my parents never told me about you. You are quite the character Tink. How you know all these things about Harry Potter and Voldermort I do not know but I like the plan and I am in! What do we need to do?" said Beatrice.
And so the fairy told the princess the plan. The plan would last six days. And three of the six days, Beatrice had to spend with Vermanius and her non-stop nonsensical chatter and mutters and mumbles. By the 2nd day Beatrice had run out of her special earplugs and had to use her favourite feather pillow as a stuffing for her ears. She explained to the witch that the pillow on her head was a fashion statement in Milan which she intended to follow. Vermanius stared at Beatrice quizzically but forgot a second later and kept chattering about absolutely nothing.
Finally, after gathering enough information (which was actually probably more than enough within the first hour of the first day), Beatrice met with Tink in her tower.
"Your majesty, I have good news. You-know-who has seen Vermanius photos and wants to bang her like there's no tomorrow!" said Tink.
"Are you serious? Just like that? My my, how is that so? I mean, she's not that hot! How is it that the most deadliest viciously evil man in the world wishes to bang this talkative witch of a bitch?" Beatrice asks.
"Well you see your highness, You-know-who exclaims that the way the witch dresses herself is sort of well, it has a sort of, kink to it? Thus it was as easy as pie trying to get him to like this one!" said Tink proudly.
"Well then! If you knew this already what was the point of me hanging out with her for freakin' three days? Torture?" asks Beatrice.
"Oh your highness! If you were not with her while I was off to see You-know-who, Vermanius would have looked into her cauldron and notice that there was a plot being planned against her and she may ruddy well retaliate against it! But with you there the entire time, she could chat herself away without caring to look into her cauldron!" said Tink cleverly.
"Why Tink, you are my hero! Papa did a good job in appointing you!" said Beatrice happily.
And with that they danced merrily before proceeding to the second phase of their six day plan.
***************************************************
Day 4
Dear Diary,
I received a strange letter from a man named Voldermort claiming he was the most powerful sorcerer in the world and that he would like to plough me until the cows came home. I am rather intrigued and would very much like to be ploughed as it has been awhile.
Vermanius
Day 5
Dear Diary,
I finally met Voldermort. And my my is he hot. If I could hold his hand forever I would. Perhaps I am in love. We haven't ploughed yet. Maybe he wanted to see if I was attractive enough for him. I still have no idea where he got my address or how he knew I existed. He told me I was a gift from the Kinky Gods. I chuckled. I am flattered really. Perhaps he found one of those old classifield ads I used to post when I was looking for a mate. Perhaps. Anyways, we have a date tomorrow. I will tell you more.
Vermanius
Day 6
Dear Diary,
This will be my last entry to you for I have committed myself to ploughing Voldermort forever and ever and ever. We will together be rabbits except with contraceptive pills. I mean, with the amount of ploughing going on in this house we could create an army. But we won't. Just me and him. I am so happy. Who needs talking when you have ploughing? I hope Princess Beatrice will not feel sad now that I won't be speaking to her again. I hope she will be okay. Okay, enough on talking my lover is calling.
Farewell Diary
Vermanius Parrotia
****************************************************
And so the Princess lived happily again in her tower for there was no more witch to bother her forever and ever. What about sex noises you ask? Well! the princess is rich! She obviously sound proofed her room so there would never be any noises heard forever and ever!
The End.
So let me share with you a little story I wrote as a treat:
A long time ago in a far away galaxy lived this princess named Beatrice Hornbill. She was a very secluded girl yet once in awhile enjoyed partying it up like a whore. But Beatrice had a wicked witch living in her castle and the witch constantly tried to ruin Beatrice's mood. The witches name was Vermanius Parrotia.
As much as a vermin she was, Beatrice did not want to create any beef with the witch as she was a princess and as we all know, witches curse princesses.
So Beatrice decided that she would need to flee so she would never have to deal with this witch again. But alas, she would miss everything of her castle! Her family and her friends and her beloved beautiful tower.
"This castle is my home! But this witch causes me pain and agony. Her constant sputter of unneeded words drives me to the brim of insanity! Oh dear, dear me, whatever should I do? I am torn!"
Suddenly, sparkles started appearing out of nowhere. And POOF! A woman with long black hair wearing a beautiful silky blue nighty appeared holding what looked like a Harry Potter type of wand.
"Who the...? Who are you?" said princess Beatrice.
"Who AM I? Who are you? You have said the magic words that summon me here! Who are you?" said the beautiful creature.
"Well, my name is princess Beatrice of Hornbill. I didn't realized I summoned you. I apologize but I...I had no idea the words I said would magically summon you." she explained.
"How can you not know this? Haven't your parents ever told you that you HAVE ME TO SUMMON? Fool of a took! I have served your family for generations! Surely you know I am the one they summon when they are in distress!" she roared.
Beatrice replied in an annoyed and angry tone "Please don't roar at me for I am not deaf but in distress and YES THEY HAVE NOT TOLD ME ABOUT YOU! So don't be angry at me!" She takes a deep breathe and smiles sweetly and says "Now tell me, who are you?".
The beautiful creature was shocked with the princess and her outburst so she said "Forgive me your highness, I was summoned by you at the wrong time. You see, I was asleep and having a very awesome dream of meeting the man of my dreams, David Bowie when you awoke me so abruptly. I almost got to see his ding-dong but alas! Sigh. So you see, that explains the roaring manner. But forgive me! I have not yet introduced myself! Although I am terribly disappointed in your parents for not informing you about me. But I suppose they had forgotten and were going to tell you when you were in great distress...."
Beatrice, bored of this chatter, gives a loud cough.
Realizing that she has gone off topic and failed to introduce herself again the fairy says "Oh! Forgive me again your highness! Teehee. My name is Tink Arebell, your family fairy godmother at your service my lady!".
The princess giggled and said "A family fairy eh? Who would have thought Papa was so superstitious to hire a fairy for us when we're in distress! I guess it is tough being king and all event though I never really needed a fairy until....well untill now. Could you help me you think errr, Ms. Arebell?"
"Oh your highness, you may call me Tink. And no, I am in no way whatsoever related to Tinkerbell that little pixie of a brat! She thinks she's so hot with her blonde hair and short skirt! Puh-leeezzeeee!" said the fairy and gives a looks of disgust. "But yes, I might be able to help you. But you need to explain to me the problem first! Now, what is the problem your highness? Boyfriend troubles? He can't get it up? Is that it?" the fairy asks.
"Oh my goodness! No! Nothing of that! At least, that has not happened YET. Thank goodness! But you see, there is this witch that lives below my tower, and she constantly tries to bring distress to me by entering my tower and yapping to me all day about pointless things that are of my concern! What is worst is that I am afraid to be mad at her for I am afraid she would curse me! I mean, we all know how witches are bitches who like to fuck a princesses life right? Erm, pardon my French there Tink but seriously, I am IN DISTRESS! I don't want to leave my castle just for this witch and nor do I want her to leave because she may take revenge on me and curse me! Is there any way you could help me?" Beatrice says looking almost in tears.
"Well, my lady, it's simple! All we need is a man!" Tink exclaims.
"A man? TINK! Be realistic! What could he do?" Beatrice bewilderedly asks.
"Well your highness, get the witch to fall in love with a man and she will not bother you again! I'm telling you! Witches are horny bitches! They will hump the man like a rabbit would hump every other rabbit in sight!" Tink explains.
"Ah! That is genius! But what man would want this witch?" Beatrice asks.
"Well, I know just the candidate. He who doesn't like Mud Bloods, he who wishes he was a Pureblood, he who is actually really hot! He....!"
Princess Beatrice starts coughing loudly again.
"Eheh, forgive me your highness. His name is! He who must not be named. He is......"
"VOLDERMORT!" shouts Beatrice in glee.
"Shhhh! Your highness! Do not utter his name! It is a name the magical world fears!" said Tink.
"But surely he isn't that bad. I am sure he just needs to get laid and pop a doobie or two and he would forget all that hatred he had for the world instantly!" said Beatrice casually.
"Haha! Your highness, you tickle me. But perhaps you are right. I believe tis witch may be rid part of his evilness. It would be like killing two birds with one stone. The witch will not bother you no more and you-know-who would bother less people as well. Perhaps it would also help our young Harry Potter finally kick you-know-who's ass! We could set you-know-who up while he is in bed with the witch and get him at his weakest moments! ORGASMING! Ah! What a plan! What a conspiracy! For after that the witch would be angry at Harry Potter and finally move away to plan her revenge against him! Ha! Tink you genius!"
Princess Beatrice looks at Tink Arebell in disbelief and says "You really think all this would happen? That first of all, Voldermort would fall in love with Vermanius Parrotia? And that Harry Potter would agree to kick Voldermort's ass while he's in bed with his lover at the moment of his climax? Surely Harry Potter isn't an asshole."
"Contrary to popular belief, Harry Potter IS an asshole your highness. But he is cunning and knows how to hide it. He has played the I-am-innocent-and-my-parents-died-in-a-terrible-death card far too long your majesty. He is just waiting for the moment to pounce you-know-who and be the one in power. He secretly likes being in power." Tink exclaims.
"My my, now I know why my parents never told me about you. You are quite the character Tink. How you know all these things about Harry Potter and Voldermort I do not know but I like the plan and I am in! What do we need to do?" said Beatrice.
And so the fairy told the princess the plan. The plan would last six days. And three of the six days, Beatrice had to spend with Vermanius and her non-stop nonsensical chatter and mutters and mumbles. By the 2nd day Beatrice had run out of her special earplugs and had to use her favourite feather pillow as a stuffing for her ears. She explained to the witch that the pillow on her head was a fashion statement in Milan which she intended to follow. Vermanius stared at Beatrice quizzically but forgot a second later and kept chattering about absolutely nothing.
Finally, after gathering enough information (which was actually probably more than enough within the first hour of the first day), Beatrice met with Tink in her tower.
"Your majesty, I have good news. You-know-who has seen Vermanius photos and wants to bang her like there's no tomorrow!" said Tink.
"Are you serious? Just like that? My my, how is that so? I mean, she's not that hot! How is it that the most deadliest viciously evil man in the world wishes to bang this talkative witch of a bitch?" Beatrice asks.
"Well you see your highness, You-know-who exclaims that the way the witch dresses herself is sort of well, it has a sort of, kink to it? Thus it was as easy as pie trying to get him to like this one!" said Tink proudly.
"Well then! If you knew this already what was the point of me hanging out with her for freakin' three days? Torture?" asks Beatrice.
"Oh your highness! If you were not with her while I was off to see You-know-who, Vermanius would have looked into her cauldron and notice that there was a plot being planned against her and she may ruddy well retaliate against it! But with you there the entire time, she could chat herself away without caring to look into her cauldron!" said Tink cleverly.
"Why Tink, you are my hero! Papa did a good job in appointing you!" said Beatrice happily.
And with that they danced merrily before proceeding to the second phase of their six day plan.
***************************************************
Day 4
Dear Diary,
I received a strange letter from a man named Voldermort claiming he was the most powerful sorcerer in the world and that he would like to plough me until the cows came home. I am rather intrigued and would very much like to be ploughed as it has been awhile.
Vermanius
Day 5
Dear Diary,
I finally met Voldermort. And my my is he hot. If I could hold his hand forever I would. Perhaps I am in love. We haven't ploughed yet. Maybe he wanted to see if I was attractive enough for him. I still have no idea where he got my address or how he knew I existed. He told me I was a gift from the Kinky Gods. I chuckled. I am flattered really. Perhaps he found one of those old classifield ads I used to post when I was looking for a mate. Perhaps. Anyways, we have a date tomorrow. I will tell you more.
Vermanius
Day 6
Dear Diary,
This will be my last entry to you for I have committed myself to ploughing Voldermort forever and ever and ever. We will together be rabbits except with contraceptive pills. I mean, with the amount of ploughing going on in this house we could create an army. But we won't. Just me and him. I am so happy. Who needs talking when you have ploughing? I hope Princess Beatrice will not feel sad now that I won't be speaking to her again. I hope she will be okay. Okay, enough on talking my lover is calling.
Farewell Diary
Vermanius Parrotia
****************************************************
And so the Princess lived happily again in her tower for there was no more witch to bother her forever and ever. What about sex noises you ask? Well! the princess is rich! She obviously sound proofed her room so there would never be any noises heard forever and ever!
The End.
Labels: Thoughts of 2006
posted by nadzirahashim @ 6:31 PM
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